My feelings and reactions are unique, as are the feelings and reactions of the other people involved. The above absurdities that hold my underwear together are prevalent, and all the adults involved have followed very predictable patterns of behaviour.
At least it’s refreshing and surprising. Logically, I know that shouldn’t come as a surprise. I study research-based theories on the development of children and students. Why should I believe that the situation I’m in does not have a well-studied model of human development? Why didn’t I realize how unconscious I was going through this?
I’m not that special. I just need a reminder. When I saw that my reactions and the behaviour of all the adults involved were not uncommon, I decided to make another choice. As a result, my behaviour is based less on my own sense of injustice and basic instincts than on the mental and emotional health of my child.
My revealing moments should not lead you to believe that I am so enlightened now that I never get angry … I am a human animal after all. The difference is now I can stop and analyze. I have learned that moving, being able to withdraw, and carefully assessing nesting sites are important skills. Survival also requires a good understanding of the biological habits and tendencies of other animals living in the same habitat. I have to understand that when a skunk has a tail, it’s impossible to argue with it … trying will only make things worse.
I buy this book and send it to other adults involved? Not. I don’t think they are ready to have that kind of conversation with me again. Still, I am afraid of them. What a lazy place … and I can see the holes are still being dug deeper. I’ll be on the other side of the fence soon. My son and I will also mingle as we add a new male father head to our little family. So how can we prepare for it?
My partner and I have been discussing this secret for about a year and a half as we slowly changed her status from “Mother’s Friend” to “My Friend” to “Our Tutor, Attorney, and Support.” Even though my Alpha and I have been monogamous and engaged for several years, we didn’t try any combination between the three of us until it was decided we were ready to pack together permanently.
Initially, this meant that my son was late in welcoming me when my partner came for our evening interrogation. In the past, that meant our new edition would occasionally stop for dinner and watch a movie or game. Finally, he began to travel with us from time to time to experience dire take-and-drop. It is important to show kindness and respect for the biological roots of boys. My husband knows he’s going to play a new role, not his one now. He’s a different kind of animal that can teach my child other survival skills. He will improve, not compete.
We have to build our own tradition as a small tribe. My son was encouraged to explore new interests with his new stepmother. The old father-son rituals remain sacred and can grow in their own way. As a family, we must plan activities and work together consciously. We have to accept that research, active listening, therapy, and some experiential moments will be part of our process. I don’t think we can only hope for the best and things will go hand in hand. If we truly want the best for our children, we must place them at the centre of attention. We have to go beyond ourselves and look at the situation as if it were the case.